Just a Short Blog for Today.

 Well hello there.

Hope this blog finds you all doing well. Let's see....what is on my heart today? I mostly just wanted to share a quote that I read recently. I am not sure who wrote it, but I found it to be one of the best yet.

"It's not what you think you are that's holding you back- It's what you think you are not."

I really feel this pretty much sums me up. I always had so many things I wanted to do, I couldn't decide which one to go with. Which one would I be the best at? What if I try and fail because I am not as good as others? Guess what! EVERY one of my dreams or plans was shot down (by moi) because of what the quote above says. BUMMER, huh?

I get super angry with myself when I think about the time that has slipped away. However, as of yesterday, I believe I may have just been led by God to give an artistic dream of mine one more try. Maybe I will have some interesting  details to share soon!

Until next time-

(A very grateful) Bethie

Seeing the Beauty in Ourselves-So NOT Easy for Some of Us.

 My maternal grandmother, Miss Ruthie, or “Gram” (as we so lovingly called her) was a beautiful, smart, witty, hard-working woman. However, she never seemed to see much of the beauty in herself. She always looked years younger than her age and could do anything, it seemed. 
She had a lot of pain in her life, but always kept everything “just so” and did more work than you could imagine, even though her knees gave her an awful time for most of her life. She never complained. She was tall and lean, which surprisingly made her more shy, even though she was absolutely gorgeous! She had four incredible children that I am so blessed to call my family: Jo, Debbie (my mama), Ronnie and Susan. They are all beautiful, witty and wonderful people, just like my Gram was!
 My mom was a lovely woman, as well. She was everything to me. She too, had very little self-confidence though, for a good part of her life. All of us ladies on my mom’s side of the family carry the trait of low self-confidence to some degree. I do believe it runs in families, for the most part. From our own perspective, we don’t seem to see why others feel badly about themselves, and yet we can so easily feel down about our own selves and find every flaw. Some of us want to hide or try to be or become someone else. I have always wanted to change sooooo many things about myself but the older I get the more I am gradually beginning to embrace more about me. I still have so very far to go. I sure owe a lot of my realization of the things I am proud of, though, to my amazing friend, KJ!
 Until next time-
Bethie

    (My beautiful Gram "Ruthie" with my son Jules)

Better Late Than Never?

Hello! My apologies for being a day late! We are on vacation this week and I totally missed yesterday's blog! 

Today, I would like to say just a few words about a short but pertinent topic for me....

Beach swimsuit time.

As you may have guessed, I feel SUPER EXTREMELY self-conscious at the beach!  (Not as bad off season, when it isn't crowded) but always in the back of my mind is that feeling of dread stepping out in a swimsuit! Yikes!!!! DON'T LOOK!

This time, I have made it a point to just appreciate the beauty and vastness of the ocean that our awesome God created, and just be thankful. Not focusing on my usual "oh my goodness, I have to walk in front of people in my swimsuit!" kind of thing. (Fun times.)

I look so forward to beach trips, EXCEPT for that part, and it really can put a damper on  vacation things! Anyone else a "hider" like this gal??

Until next time....

Your super slowly improving friend,

Bethie

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Just a Note About Comparing Ourselves to Others

 Seriously.... every day of my life I have been doing this for as long as I can remember. Wishing I could be someone else, or wishing I had her legs, or her thin arms. Anything but what I've got. I think many people do this to some degree. I have recently, in my 40s, been trying to work my way out of this habit and focus more on just being grateful. It is a slow (man, is it slow) process, though. It is a terribly difficult habit to break. I try to frequently remind myself that God created me as ME. The way HE wanted me to be. I know this. Comparing ourselves to others is still one of the hardest things to avoid.

 It can hit me in an instant. Some days are worse than others. It isn't all about looks, by any means. It is everything imaginable. "I would love to do that BUT I am not nearly as smart as her" or " I wish I could go for it BUT I am afraid to, because I could never be as good." There's the ever popular "I would really like to go to that, BUT I wonder who will be there? I probably won't fit in or be as cool as everyone else there." That one has gotten me most often. (That last one may sound a tad bit high school, but YES, I still think those thoughts.) It's tough when you lack the confidence that is so needed to succeed in this world. Low self-confidence is a sure way to miss out on life. It can be exhausting. The worry that goes along with it wears you down, honey!

 I do have hope, though. Every day we get is another chance, after all. I am grateful for the fact that I still could possibly overcome this way of thinking I fell into long ago. Who knows? Maybe in one day I will fully just be myself and like it! I know that my friend KJ is a big part of that path to Joy!

Until next time,

Bethie

Why the Heck Did I Do That?

 Hello to any folks who chose to read this here blogeroo today! 

Have you ever apologized for something and knew it wasn't anything you actually needed to apologize for? I am definitely guilty of that. Ohhhhh so guilty. 

It just goes along with my insecurity. I often find myself saying "oh...I'm so sorry!" when it isn't my fault. Even the silliest little everyday things I know aren't my fault. As an example....someone in a store could totally jump in front of me in a long line and I would move over and say "Oh I am sorry I was in your way." Haha. It's automatic, and I can say it honestly makes me question myself all the time. "Why did I just apologize for that person being a jerk?" Maybe because I want so much to make sure people  like me and no one thinks I did anything wrong? Maybe because I doubt myself so much that  I really believe I did something wrong? Yes, it is a little kooky. Ridiculous, to be frank. (Not ridiculous to be "Frank." I am sure he is a cool dude.)

This may seem small and insignificant, but I wanted to mention it. (Oh..sorry, by the way, if it seems silly. Haha.) I have found that it can actually go the other way and make people think I really was in the wrong. Funny how that happens. It all comes down to believing in yourself.  I think I have doubted myself so long that it is an unnecessary habit that has become just part of my norm. It is just another one of the 12,874 things I desperately want to fix about this ol' gal on my journey as a weirdo. I know this post was short and sweet, however, it was on my mind recently, so I thought I would share. 

Until next time,

Bethie 

Carrying Insecurities for a Lifetime

 I remember it all... very well. (Cringe!)  It was 1992. I was in 7th grade, a bit chubby, and although I got by on my sense of humor and impersonations of Bart Simpson and Pee Wee Herman, middle school was icky. My parents had switched me to a different school the year before because they were hoping for a better music program. It didn't end up being different at all, so I decided to go back to the old familiar school.

The style was very "Saved By the Bell" at the time and I vividly recall going in one day with my high tops, jeans and a brand new pink t-shirt (tied in a knot at the bottom.) The t-shirt was the ever popular (at the time) GUESS Jeans brand. Yep. It said GUESS in big ol' letters across the front. I remember going in to sit down at my desk, and beside me there was a guy that definitely always looked older than everyone else. Maybe he had been in seventh grade several times? Anyway, when the teacher stepped out for a moment, he tapped me on the arm and said "200?" I said "huh?" and he said "Your shirt says GUESS." 

I was devastated. I mean, I was always taller than most and I was kind chubby, but nothing crazy out of the ordinary. Apparently, I was to him. Little did I know this would stick with me my ENTIRE life. It is one of several, similar things throughout school days that I upset me over and over and over. Yes. I know we should move on from school days, let it go, etc. Even so, it felt traumatizing. It shaped the way I thought and felt about myself for the rest of my life. I am still trying to get out of that way of thinking, at 44! Do any of you reading this "relive" moments like this? Memories like these, unfortunately, are my most prominent school memories. UGH. 

KJ gets it. I think she can help turn me around. I am praying one day to be rid of these feelings, to get past them, to not let them define me. Although I know it is difficult, I am working on  it. Hopefully all of us that have been hit by these painful (however small they may seem to others) experiences and struggle with leaving them behind, can learn how to think beyond them.

Until next time,

Bethany

Me before all the insecurities!

The Fear of Trying and Failing. Am I Good Enough?

 Oh my! This seems to be an appropriate topic at the moment. I am still honestly terrified attempting this blogging adventure! (Deep breath!) I mean, I could talk to you in person and seriously mess up about every other sentence that comes out of my mouth, but here I am typing away!  

 I honestly never imagined that I would be posting my crazy thoughts online for people to see. It feels quite strange, yet liberating at the same time! This blog is a perfect example of something I definitely doubt my ability to do well. More than likely I would have talked myself right out of it, had I not been so sweetly encouraged to do this. You know what? This very second, I am questioning if anyone would even remotely want to read what I am typing. See? Doubting myself is literally a part of everything I do. Embarrassing, table for one!!

 Fear of failure has knocked me out of soooo many things. Fear of messing up, fear of the fact that I can so easily say things that make me sound like an idiot, fear of not looking good enough, fear of germs (wait…I will save that one for another day!). You name it… I have chickened out of it. Mmmmm…chicken. Sorry, I got sidetracked.

SO...I have always adored singing. I have quite a musical family. I started singing with my mama when I was a wee tot. She could sing so well! (Think Karen Carpenter style.) She introduced me to such great music at an early age and is the reason it is such an important part of my life. Before her cancer and treatments began, we would have karaoke get togethers quite often. My mama (Debbie💖) and her siblings; Jo, Ronnie and Susan, would all come over and "sing up a storm" along with the rest of my sweet family. I will always cherish those fun and crazy times. 

 I sang in talent shows galore and at school events all through my growing up years. It was the only thing that made me feel like I had an ounce of worth when I was at school. During my senior year, I received a full vocal scholarship to a local university. Then, I quit. Yep. Brilliant, right?

 By 1998, I ended up singing for a local rock/80’s cover band. I adored performing, but never once felt actually comfortable. There were constant worries; Do I look fat? Are people going to make fun of me?  Even though I appreciated being unique, I have always let “what if I am not good enough?” win. 

 Eventually, I gave up on that dream of becoming a singer. I just didn't believe in myself, and the insecurities took over. There are so many things, tons of big and little things, that I have given up on because of "what if" or feeling less than everyone else. It is something that seems nearly impossible to stop, even to this day. I get angry with myself over it. You sure can “what if” your life away. Boy, have I wasted a good deal of mine doing that very thing! I am doing my best to keep my precious son from following in my footsteps. I pray he will follow his heart and go for his dreams! 

Until next time, 

Bethany

My son, Julian with my wonderful mama, Debbie.💗