Why the Heck Did I Do That?

 Hello to any folks who chose to read this here blogeroo today! 

Have you ever apologized for something and knew it wasn't anything you actually needed to apologize for? I am definitely guilty of that. Ohhhhh so guilty. 

It just goes along with my insecurity. I often find myself saying "oh...I'm so sorry!" when it isn't my fault. Even the silliest little everyday things I know aren't my fault. As an example....someone in a store could totally jump in front of me in a long line and I would move over and say "Oh I am sorry I was in your way." Haha. It's automatic, and I can say it honestly makes me question myself all the time. "Why did I just apologize for that person being a jerk?" Maybe because I want so much to make sure people  like me and no one thinks I did anything wrong? Maybe because I doubt myself so much that  I really believe I did something wrong? Yes, it is a little kooky. Ridiculous, to be frank. (Not ridiculous to be "Frank." I am sure he is a cool dude.)

This may seem small and insignificant, but I wanted to mention it. (Oh..sorry, by the way, if it seems silly. Haha.) I have found that it can actually go the other way and make people think I really was in the wrong. Funny how that happens. It all comes down to believing in yourself.  I think I have doubted myself so long that it is an unnecessary habit that has become just part of my norm. It is just another one of the 12,874 things I desperately want to fix about this ol' gal on my journey as a weirdo. I know this post was short and sweet, however, it was on my mind recently, so I thought I would share. 

Until next time,

Bethie 

Carrying Insecurities for a Lifetime

 I remember it all... very well. (Cringe!)  It was 1992. I was in 7th grade, a bit chubby, and although I got by on my sense of humor and impersonations of Bart Simpson and Pee Wee Herman, middle school was icky. My parents had switched me to a different school the year before because they were hoping for a better music program. It didn't end up being different at all, so I decided to go back to the old familiar school.

The style was very "Saved By the Bell" at the time and I vividly recall going in one day with my high tops, jeans and a brand new pink t-shirt (tied in a knot at the bottom.) The t-shirt was the ever popular (at the time) GUESS Jeans brand. Yep. It said GUESS in big ol' letters across the front. I remember going in to sit down at my desk, and beside me there was a guy that definitely always looked older than everyone else. Maybe he had been in seventh grade several times? Anyway, when the teacher stepped out for a moment, he tapped me on the arm and said "200?" I said "huh?" and he said "Your shirt says GUESS." 

I was devastated. I mean, I was always taller than most and I was kind chubby, but nothing crazy out of the ordinary. Apparently, I was to him. Little did I know this would stick with me my ENTIRE life. It is one of several, similar things throughout school days that I upset me over and over and over. Yes. I know we should move on from school days, let it go, etc. Even so, it felt traumatizing. It shaped the way I thought and felt about myself for the rest of my life. I am still trying to get out of that way of thinking, at 44! Do any of you reading this "relive" moments like this? Memories like these, unfortunately, are my most prominent school memories. UGH. 

KJ gets it. I think she can help turn me around. I am praying one day to be rid of these feelings, to get past them, to not let them define me. Although I know it is difficult, I am working on  it. Hopefully all of us that have been hit by these painful (however small they may seem to others) experiences and struggle with leaving them behind, can learn how to think beyond them.

Until next time,

Bethany

Me before all the insecurities!

The Fear of Trying and Failing. Am I Good Enough?

 Oh my! This seems to be an appropriate topic at the moment. I am still honestly terrified attempting this blogging adventure! (Deep breath!) I mean, I could talk to you in person and seriously mess up about every other sentence that comes out of my mouth, but here I am typing away!  

 I honestly never imagined that I would be posting my crazy thoughts online for people to see. It feels quite strange, yet liberating at the same time! This blog is a perfect example of something I definitely doubt my ability to do well. More than likely I would have talked myself right out of it, had I not been so sweetly encouraged to do this. You know what? This very second, I am questioning if anyone would even remotely want to read what I am typing. See? Doubting myself is literally a part of everything I do. Embarrassing, table for one!!

 Fear of failure has knocked me out of soooo many things. Fear of messing up, fear of the fact that I can so easily say things that make me sound like an idiot, fear of not looking good enough, fear of germs (wait…I will save that one for another day!). You name it… I have chickened out of it. Mmmmm…chicken. Sorry, I got sidetracked.

SO...I have always adored singing. I have quite a musical family. I started singing with my mama when I was a wee tot. She could sing so well! (Think Karen Carpenter style.) She introduced me to such great music at an early age and is the reason it is such an important part of my life. Before her cancer and treatments began, we would have karaoke get togethers quite often. My mama (Debbie💖) and her siblings; Jo, Ronnie and Susan, would all come over and "sing up a storm" along with the rest of my sweet family. I will always cherish those fun and crazy times. 

 I sang in talent shows galore and at school events all through my growing up years. It was the only thing that made me feel like I had an ounce of worth when I was at school. During my senior year, I received a full vocal scholarship to a local university. Then, I quit. Yep. Brilliant, right?

 By 1998, I ended up singing for a local rock/80’s cover band. I adored performing, but never once felt actually comfortable. There were constant worries; Do I look fat? Are people going to make fun of me?  Even though I appreciated being unique, I have always let “what if I am not good enough?” win. 

 Eventually, I gave up on that dream of becoming a singer. I just didn't believe in myself, and the insecurities took over. There are so many things, tons of big and little things, that I have given up on because of "what if" or feeling less than everyone else. It is something that seems nearly impossible to stop, even to this day. I get angry with myself over it. You sure can “what if” your life away. Boy, have I wasted a good deal of mine doing that very thing! I am doing my best to keep my precious son from following in my footsteps. I pray he will follow his heart and go for his dreams! 

Until next time, 

Bethany

My son, Julian with my wonderful mama, Debbie.💗

My first blog!

Hello there to anyone reading this! My name is Bethany. 

 I am so excited; I don't quite know where to begin! I have never "written" before. (Only in my own personal journals and diaries from time to time.) Even then, I never did it consistently. I will give this my best shot.

OK, I am a 44-year-old mama of one amazing 15-year-old son and wife to a wonderful husband of almost 17 years. This tiny section of the internet is my place to spill the beans about being a gal with some struggles...if anyone should want to read it. Maybe you can relate. Who knows? Maybe we can help each other. 

I gained an amazing friend last year. A beautiful friend named KJ. She is the reason I am now feeling full of possibilities at the moment, after a really rough day. (Not to mention the most difficult and sad year and a half of my life.) On Easter Sunday of 2022, I lost my precious mother, my very best friend, to cancer. We were as close as it gets. SO very close. Time does help... but only a tiny bit. You never miss lost loved ones any less, you just keep going. So many days are still extremely hard and full of tears. Some days have many distractions, which can help-to some degree. The peace of knowing she is with Jesus, pain free and I will hug her again one day is what I have to hold on to, and something I look so forward to.

The story of my friendship with KJ began when my son met her daughter through an online educational program.  They are both home schoolers (high school) and they became friends (rather quickly) through a class they were both taking. They began talking every night via video chat. Long story short, their friendship endured, and they grew even closer. Young love is so sweet! We ended up taking a road trip and meeting them in person, as they lived in Maine and we live in Tennessee. Our friendship grew. There were just so many similarities between our kids and our families.

Now they live closer, and we are able to see each other more! I feel truly grateful to God for the way everything has come to be. It still blows my mind!!

 I am here writing this blog because of KJ. She has definitely been exposed to my weirdness, or quirks or whatever anyone wants to call it. My low self-esteem. (Insert that sound when you lose on a gameshow.) She understands my insecurities, my self-deprecating jokes, my endless worries and struggles. She gets it. She likes me even though I am kind of...yes, a weirdo. I shared with her what I had been dealing with recently, with beginning a new job that totally overwhelmed me and how it invoked those same feelings I had back in school. Middle school, high school, college.. (Heck, let's be honest... It never went away.) The feeling that I never fit in. It isn't lack of personality or friendliness. I have just always had few friends. Good ones, mind you, but not a great deal of real friends. I am exceptional at making myself seem goofy. I just have a knack for that. Yay. I have dealt with feeling inferior for most of my life, like I just wasn't good enough or "cool" enough...even though deep down I knew that wasn't true. This wasn't due to a bad childhood either. I had an IDEAL childhood and have an amazingly wonderful, generous, super-fun family that loves me. It just seemed like people I met always already had  their "groups" of friends and knew each other and I was always kind of an "extra" if that makes any sense at all...

I was bullied on and off throughout school, as are so many others every day. I am not trying to whine and feel sorry for myself, but that's just how it was. I lived life constantly nervous, especially walking by a group of people. (Don't get me started on that.) Whether it was because of my weight or because I liked to dress uniquely and have original style, because I cut my hair short or because I was quite sensitive and a people pleaser, I was an easy target. It can be devastating to a young person to be teased or bullied. In fact, it can destroy their life. It sure did a number on mine. I am still battling the consequences every single day. Even though I know I am never truly alone, because God never leaves us, it is easy to feel alone in certain situations. Those insecure thoughts have a tendency to always find their way back, when so much of your life and dreams have been affected by them.

I am here writing this blog because I want to share experiences of living life as a woman with many insecurities, the feeling of not fitting in, how it affects your relationships and every aspect of your life and a million other little things that are daily struggles for this gal. I hope to hear from others that can relate. I would truly love to learn more from folks with similar stories. 

Until next time,

Bethany