Just a Note About Comparing Ourselves to Others

 Seriously.... every day of my life I have been doing this for as long as I can remember. Wishing I could be someone else, or wishing I had her legs, or her thin arms. Anything but what I've got. I think many people do this to some degree. I have recently, in my 40s, been trying to work my way out of this habit and focus more on just being grateful. It is a slow (man, is it slow) process, though. It is a terribly difficult habit to break. I try to frequently remind myself that God created me as ME. The way HE wanted me to be. I know this. Comparing ourselves to others is still one of the hardest things to avoid.

 It can hit me in an instant. Some days are worse than others. It isn't all about looks, by any means. It is everything imaginable. "I would love to do that BUT I am not nearly as smart as her" or " I wish I could go for it BUT I am afraid to, because I could never be as good." There's the ever popular "I would really like to go to that, BUT I wonder who will be there? I probably won't fit in or be as cool as everyone else there." That one has gotten me most often. (That last one may sound a tad bit high school, but YES, I still think those thoughts.) It's tough when you lack the confidence that is so needed to succeed in this world. Low self-confidence is a sure way to miss out on life. It can be exhausting. The worry that goes along with it wears you down, honey!

 I do have hope, though. Every day we get is another chance, after all. I am grateful for the fact that I still could possibly overcome this way of thinking I fell into long ago. Who knows? Maybe in one day I will fully just be myself and like it! I know that my friend KJ is a big part of that path to Joy!

Until next time,

Bethie

Why the Heck Did I Do That?

 Hello to any folks who chose to read this here blogeroo today! 

Have you ever apologized for something and knew it wasn't anything you actually needed to apologize for? I am definitely guilty of that. Ohhhhh so guilty. 

It just goes along with my insecurity. I often find myself saying "oh...I'm so sorry!" when it isn't my fault. Even the silliest little everyday things I know aren't my fault. As an example....someone in a store could totally jump in front of me in a long line and I would move over and say "Oh I am sorry I was in your way." Haha. It's automatic, and I can say it honestly makes me question myself all the time. "Why did I just apologize for that person being a jerk?" Maybe because I want so much to make sure people  like me and no one thinks I did anything wrong? Maybe because I doubt myself so much that  I really believe I did something wrong? Yes, it is a little kooky. Ridiculous, to be frank. (Not ridiculous to be "Frank." I am sure he is a cool dude.)

This may seem small and insignificant, but I wanted to mention it. (Oh..sorry, by the way, if it seems silly. Haha.) I have found that it can actually go the other way and make people think I really was in the wrong. Funny how that happens. It all comes down to believing in yourself.  I think I have doubted myself so long that it is an unnecessary habit that has become just part of my norm. It is just another one of the 12,874 things I desperately want to fix about this ol' gal on my journey as a weirdo. I know this post was short and sweet, however, it was on my mind recently, so I thought I would share. 

Until next time,

Bethie 

Carrying Insecurities for a Lifetime

 I remember it all... very well. (Cringe!)  It was 1992. I was in 7th grade, a bit chubby, and although I got by on my sense of humor and impersonations of Bart Simpson and Pee Wee Herman, middle school was icky. My parents had switched me to a different school the year before because they were hoping for a better music program. It didn't end up being different at all, so I decided to go back to the old familiar school.

The style was very "Saved By the Bell" at the time and I vividly recall going in one day with my high tops, jeans and a brand new pink t-shirt (tied in a knot at the bottom.) The t-shirt was the ever popular (at the time) GUESS Jeans brand. Yep. It said GUESS in big ol' letters across the front. I remember going in to sit down at my desk, and beside me there was a guy that definitely always looked older than everyone else. Maybe he had been in seventh grade several times? Anyway, when the teacher stepped out for a moment, he tapped me on the arm and said "200?" I said "huh?" and he said "Your shirt says GUESS." 

I was devastated. I mean, I was always taller than most and I was kind chubby, but nothing crazy out of the ordinary. Apparently, I was to him. Little did I know this would stick with me my ENTIRE life. It is one of several, similar things throughout school days that I upset me over and over and over. Yes. I know we should move on from school days, let it go, etc. Even so, it felt traumatizing. It shaped the way I thought and felt about myself for the rest of my life. I am still trying to get out of that way of thinking, at 44! Do any of you reading this "relive" moments like this? Memories like these, unfortunately, are my most prominent school memories. UGH. 

KJ gets it. I think she can help turn me around. I am praying one day to be rid of these feelings, to get past them, to not let them define me. Although I know it is difficult, I am working on  it. Hopefully all of us that have been hit by these painful (however small they may seem to others) experiences and struggle with leaving them behind, can learn how to think beyond them.

Until next time,

Bethany

Me before all the insecurities!

The Fear of Trying and Failing. Am I Good Enough?

 Oh my! This seems to be an appropriate topic at the moment. I am still honestly terrified attempting this blogging adventure! (Deep breath!) I mean, I could talk to you in person and seriously mess up about every other sentence that comes out of my mouth, but here I am typing away!  

 I honestly never imagined that I would be posting my crazy thoughts online for people to see. It feels quite strange, yet liberating at the same time! This blog is a perfect example of something I definitely doubt my ability to do well. More than likely I would have talked myself right out of it, had I not been so sweetly encouraged to do this. You know what? This very second, I am questioning if anyone would even remotely want to read what I am typing. See? Doubting myself is literally a part of everything I do. Embarrassing, table for one!!

 Fear of failure has knocked me out of soooo many things. Fear of messing up, fear of the fact that I can so easily say things that make me sound like an idiot, fear of not looking good enough, fear of germs (wait…I will save that one for another day!). You name it… I have chickened out of it. Mmmmm…chicken. Sorry, I got sidetracked.

SO...I have always adored singing. I have quite a musical family. I started singing with my mama when I was a wee tot. She could sing so well! (Think Karen Carpenter style.) She introduced me to such great music at an early age and is the reason it is such an important part of my life. Before her cancer and treatments began, we would have karaoke get togethers quite often. My mama (Debbie💖) and her siblings; Jo, Ronnie and Susan, would all come over and "sing up a storm" along with the rest of my sweet family. I will always cherish those fun and crazy times. 

 I sang in talent shows galore and at school events all through my growing up years. It was the only thing that made me feel like I had an ounce of worth when I was at school. During my senior year, I received a full vocal scholarship to a local university. Then, I quit. Yep. Brilliant, right?

 By 1998, I ended up singing for a local rock/80’s cover band. I adored performing, but never once felt actually comfortable. There were constant worries; Do I look fat? Are people going to make fun of me?  Even though I appreciated being unique, I have always let “what if I am not good enough?” win. 

 Eventually, I gave up on that dream of becoming a singer. I just didn't believe in myself, and the insecurities took over. There are so many things, tons of big and little things, that I have given up on because of "what if" or feeling less than everyone else. It is something that seems nearly impossible to stop, even to this day. I get angry with myself over it. You sure can “what if” your life away. Boy, have I wasted a good deal of mine doing that very thing! I am doing my best to keep my precious son from following in my footsteps. I pray he will follow his heart and go for his dreams! 

Until next time, 

Bethany

My son, Julian with my wonderful mama, Debbie.💗